All right, folks. In order for to have Leroy write me any more stories of mine, the ones I'm the main one in because, as you know, I'm a triple star turtle right there in Bye doeckers and it's only fair, and I'm the one who started the whole thing, and they're my stories but Leroy has to write 'em down 'cause I'm just a little too slow. I'm a real good writer but it hurts my foot to write for a long time. Anyway, I had to promise not to say to Leroy to eat a big one any more. Except for one last time. Eat a big one, Leroy. No. Louder. EAT A BIG ONE!!!

Now I can do the story.

Oncet (ya finally got that word right, Leroy) the big turtle in the sky decided to do a miracle and he turned Waldo into an underwear salesman. That suited Waldo just fine. (Isn't that a funny joke, Leroy? "That suited Waldo real fine." Boy, I tell you. I should be a sit down comic. I could make them people laugh so hard their bunions would fall off.) That was just fine with Waldo. He had worked out a deal where he took trade-ins on underwear as long as them women came in wearing them, and then Waldo got to do a personal fitting. He had thermals, which makes you get real hot, and electric ones, and a special kind for turtles with six holes in 'em. He had great big ones the size of a snowman and little ones for them short little tamales the size of basketballs. Of course some of them little enchiladas is just the right size for Waldo. I don't mind the cheese but I like to fill 'em with meat and

(EDITOR: Waldo, when are we going to get to the part about painting the chapel?)

Oh, oh. I think I got my stories a little mixed up. The great chef, Waldo, has to warn you to watch out for the antipasto. That is a group of bad dudes who are against starches, and they may kidnap you if you don't watch out.

(You're still in the wrong story, old man.)

I'm not an old man. You want to say stuff like that I get to tell you to eat something. You just don't unnerstand, Leroy. This story starts out with Waldo being a chef. Then it happens that it turns out another way, and he's an artist. Waldo doesn't just stay the same way all the time. Anybody can tell you that.

Now Waldo was in the fabulous stainless steel atomic-powered kitchen, the newest that they ever was, and he was cooking figments for to put in the onion soup. He was just finishing cookin' up the ninth hole in an eighteen course meal when the big emergency happened! He had ran out of crepe paper for wrappin' crepes, which Waldo always uses because it's a high class rest (spell it my way, Leroy) rest rant and it looks real good when you serve them crepes gift wrapped. Waldo even uses that crepe paper for wrappin' flaming crepes and exploding crepes. He had to send out the plane boy, who is much faster than the bus boy, to get some more you know what. Well that was when the antipasto struck. Them guys grabbed the poor little plane boy, who had always been good and honored his parents by given' 'em medals and honorary degrees, and had even rescued a tiny little kitty from a tree who didn't know where he lived because the birds had ate up all the bread crumbs what he had left in a trail so he could find his way back, and that little plane boy had even found that kitty's family for him and had saved his sister from statutory rape, and after all them good things what he done that bunch of bad Italian guys got 'em, that hideous gang from the island of Cosa Nostra. (Leroy, spell it right. I-land. Not, "is" land. Boy are you a bad speller, Leroy).

Well now I know just how bad it must make you feel, just to hear about poor little Corky the plane boy, and how even after he had helped little butterflies to climb out of their things they hibernate in and had donated half of his salary to the home for hunchfronts he had been snatched out of the prime of his youth and taken away to a dank remote controlled hole to suffer. You must feel just terrible about that. Well, don't you worry none. You just write out a check, right now before you forget, for $100 and send it to Waldo an everything will be took care of.

Now the story continues.

It turns out the only thing they would take for ransom was art masterpieces, and so naturally it was Waldo to the rescue! Now Waldo had painted masterpieces before, of course, but he'd laid off it for a couple of years on account of the doctor had told him, "Now Waldo, you got to lay off sniffin' that turpentine for awhile because it's bad for your nose". Well Waldo was pretty well cured by now, so he sat right down and started to paint big beautiful nudes. Them art teachers had already told him how to do it, and Waldo knows that when you begin you should start at the bottom of things, so that's perzactly what Waldo done. Them nude models was just lined up outside of Waldo's studio beggin' and crying to get in so that Waldo would make 'em into masterpieces and then paint 'em, so the police had to carton off the streets with ropes because so many of 'em were out there without no clothes on. Waldo sent a couple hundred of them to the antipasto guys and next day back came Corky, parcel post collect.

Still, justice has got to triumph! So Waldo got up a good plan to catch them garlic scented guys what Waldo wrote about in that book, THE HANDSOME RANSOM. So he painted a giant masterpiece about a hundred feet tall and put out an ad for it so everyone would hear about it. Well the thugs from the I-land heard about it too, but Waldo was ready. That night when the gang of stealers came to surreptitiously take away the huge painting, Waldo aimed the microwave oven at 'em and turned it on and they was goners. The next day Waldo served cannonball soup in the rest rant and them customers hadn't ever had such good Italian cooking before.

Well, after the word got out how Waldo had been a hero once again, the government gave him a retirement plan and the ambassador gave him the keys to the city so Waldo could go into everybody's house anytime he wanted even if they wasn't at home, and the whole public showed how grateful they was by giving him a hundred dollars each, man, woman and child, and the United Way gave him all their money and subscription to PLAYTURTLE. Now don't mess up and miss out on YOUR chance to get in with the good guys and help the fight against crime by sending your many contributions to Waldo. Just make a mark in the right box on the coupon underneath here, and send cash, check or money order.