WALDO THE GREAT EXTERMINATOR

By You Know Who

("Don't put, 'By You Know Who', Leroy, God damn it. You gotta tell them people who wrote it.")

EDITOR: Easy, Waldo. I'm sure they'll figure out who wrote it without much difficulty.

"O.K. But next time you gotta think better. All right?"

"All right.")

Well, as anybody knows who knows anything at all about insekx, an insek is just another kind of bug. Some inseks are quite small, and others are real large, as big as a house maybe, if your luck runs out. Some has got 6 legs, others has got 5 legs, or maybe 10 legs, and some of the littlelest ones of all haven't got legs and they just have to roll around. Some of them inseks has so many legs that you can't even count 'em.

(EDITOR: Waldo, you must be thinking of a centipede, and a centipede isn't an insect at all.")

"The hell they ain't! I seen 'em They're INSEKS all right."

Have it your way, then. When the tortoise demands, what man can refuse?)

Well, some of them bugs can be real pesks, and some of the other ones can be real good pets if you treat 'em right. But most of 'em are no good. Most of 'em should be shot. Half of 'em alone are enough to drive you crazy when they get to buzzin' around and everthing. Three quarters of 'em will bite you soon as look at you. Five sixths of 'em, everybody in the whole world and everywhere else would be better off without. When you see them bugs you should jump up and down on 'em, and hit 'em, and shit on them, and

INTERRUPTION: Waldo, let's get on with the pitch.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot that here's where my part comes in. You know that hittin', and waffling, and swatting, and all of that what you gotta do to kill bugs? Well that's one of the things I do the best. When it comes to exterminating, well I am one Hell of a top drawer, upperdeck, first class, steamship toting, right at the top of the heap exterminator.

INTERRUPTION: Wait a minute, Waldo. Just what do you mean by that "steamship toting" business?

Well…You know. It means, I'm right up there at the top. Because when you're at the top you make a lot of money, and get rich, and only when you're really real rich can you buy steamships.

EDIT: I'm glad you clarified that. Are you really real rich, Waldo?

Well, not quite yet, but I'm getting there. You have to be at the top of your class for quite awhile before you can get rich. It may not necessarily happen all of a sudden, you know, not unless maybe you exterminate a rich widow who loves you or something.

Right now I'm just trying to tell you the kind of exterminating turtle that I am. Of course I'm good at almost any job. I'm a great inseminating turtle too. I'd just as soon inseminate as exterminate any day. And if you know any rich old ladies, inseminate them, then exterminate 'em, that's my motto.

INTERRUPTION: You can't be serious, Waldo. Do you really use that as your motto?

Well….not all of the time. Thing is about a motto like that, it really sounds good, you know what I mean? Kind rhymes, sorta.

Anyway, you want a real pro to handle your bug problem. You gotta have a really proficient and deficient exterminator to handle everything right. (Spell it like I told you, Leroy. Ev-er-ee-thing. You keep going like you do and evereebody's going to laugh at your spelling. And I'm really good at grammar too, and at granmas. I help them old granmas across the street everee time I see one. Course I give 'em a little sales pitch too, sorta mix a little business with kindness, I told one of them granmas that I'd exterminate her for only a hundred dollars but she turned me down.

You gotta bug problem, you call old Waldo. "Get rid of your bugs before you go buggy, and use Waldo the Exterminator or eat shit". That's the slogan. And as an added bonus the first five bugs are free of charge! And if not completely satisfied, I will give 'em back to you.

You just send hundered dollars, or a little more if you'd like to kick into the tired war orphan home for the aged fund - it's a really worthwhile fund, and I oughtta know, and like they say, "You'll feel a whole lot better just knowing that you kicked into some old broken down people's home". "Kick in or kick it in", let that be your guide and your conscience. So send your hundered dollars plus to Leroy, who looks into all my financial affairs, and gather all them bugs together in one place. Then give me a call and leave every----LEEROY----evereething to me. I'll take care of it all. No bug too big to handle. Like they say. "Get a handle or you'll lose your grip on yourself". We really make them inseks eat shit and die. Special rates for old widows.