Of course almost everyone who is important knows about what an expert city planner is Waldo. I, Waldo, have made big plans for cities on a moment's notice, and they can be had with or without built in obsolescence. For instance, I was all set to make a big city modeled on Jonestown for David Korash, before he backed out of the deal.

But for now, I will tell you about some of the plans for a real nice town that I am going to build, as soon as a brilliant developer can be found. This town will seat and house about eight or nine thousand people, depending on how many there are. Everything should be real expensive, in order to keep out the riff raffs, indignants, and other undesireable people who don't make money, and are therefore no good.

As you come down the highway which goes there, the first incomparable vista you come to is the Great Gate of Waldo. It will be in the shape of the Tower of Babble in Europe, only lots bigger, and a sign on it will bear uplifting messages, like, "Welcome to Waldoville, Home of Great Intellects! No Scums Admitted", and , "Broad Is the Road That Leads To Death". That way them people will know that they came to the right spot. This will be reinforced by a huge reproduction of the city motto on the crest, which will say, "Live Right or Die". The motto also appears on the four Police cars, which are equipped with Tow missles to use on speeders. The Great Gate will include bibulous monks, who will chant and hum on a daily basis for a fee, and will hold bake sales to aid the rich. They will be good drinkers, and models for the young.

Next comes the Hotels and Motels and places that act hostile to youths, so they can spend the night and bill their parents. One of the really big ones is named "Heart of the Swamp", which features free ranging crocodiles in the lobby, and has atmospheric spiders with webs in the rooms. There is a moat surrounding the bar, where drinks are served by nude mermaids in shackles. A real high class joint is the "Dribble Inn", which caters to more conventional folks, and in which clothing is optional. For the whips and handcuffs crowd there is "The Taste of the Lash", while "Catheter City" will appeal to the elderly.

As you continue your drive past the peaceful, scenic bogs, you come to the SportsWorld, home of the famous sheep and cattle shoot, where they have lots of exciting giveaways, like free laundry detergent for the kids.

Then you come to the houses, which is where them people live. Many of the homes are ten-story, Southern California ranch-style houses, with escalators to take you down from the top, but also really popular is the Igloo style. We do keep one tenement building, with washing on the clotheslines coming out of the windows and cars on blocks, and furnished with imported squalids to live there so that the other residents and tourists can come to mock them.

When you are almost to the heart, or maybe the crotch of the town, you will see big movie palaces where they show recent hits, like "The Infirm". For religious guys there is a giant United Heatherns Temple, and there are public viewing hours at the local penitentiary. Waldo's bookmart has all the best sellers, like "Mother Theresa: Saint or Sex Symbol?", and while the literaries are reading, their unattended children may frolic on the high wire, and use the trapezes at the playground. For sheer excitement, nothing beats the insect zoo, called "The Buggery".

Then comes restaurant row! First is "the Grease Pit", a toney establishment with a delicate atmosphere, serving different kinds of carbonated hamburgers. "The Blood Vessal" is a steak house in the shape of a ship. "Chits and Gritlins" features Southern style cooking, like Cajun and Creosote dishes. "Deep Belch" brings you asparagus and sodas, while "Poo Dung" is a big favorite for their Vietnamese puppy crepes. The crowning jewel is "Entrails and entertainment", a real swank joint having sausages and high-class acts, like when I, Waldo, play "Some Enchanted Evening" on the kettledrums while juggling tampons. The big, new bakery keeps everybody supplied with towel house cookies, so called because they are very popular at the steam baths.

A combination nudist and leper colony completes the picture of the ideal town.

For even more information, send $100, and check the areas of your special interest. Doorbell collecting__. Vitamin feeding frenzies__. Phallic symbols for cats __. Drug induced stupor__. Library pasties__.