You know something, you peoples? I done a bunch of things what you never heard about, and some of hem aren't quite enough for a whole big story, like the ones which are full of popularity with the public.

(EDITOR: They evidently aren't too popular with the paying public.

W.	Don't say stuff like that, Leroy. You'll roon my luck whenever it comes along.)

This here first one is about Waldo's dance company, what is a company that manufactures dances. And then does 'em.

Waldo had heard about this company, and so he went to the dance factory where they all worked. When they got started, which was when the big whistle blew, Waldo got to see them. They danced all wearing leotards, and unitards and all kinds of tards, which made 'em all tardy at work and that was the first thing Waldo had to stop in order for to make the whole shebang a big success. They could be lots more popular and get more donations if they didn't wear no tards at all. But the BIGGEST PROBLEM was that they didn't know how to dance good, so they always went over like a tard in a punch bowl. And they wore these ugly ratty things like no good stockings on their legs, and that had to stop too because nobody wants to see that ugly old stuff.

Well, of course Waldo is an expert on dance on account of his fabulous physique and the way he does the Turtle Trot and the really moving way he does the dying turtle in "Tortoise Lake" by Turtleosky, where he gets all four legs pointed up in the air at once, which makes it better than what human beans can do, and them women are just moaning and swooning and stuff when they see the way that the ugly duckling treated Waldo so badly that he died while dancing. (One of these days Waldo will write a new ballet where the beautiful duckling gets a crack at Waldo, and Waldo will get all excited when he sees it, and the story will have a real good happy ending, and Waldo will spin around on his shell, which is a really good technique…LEROY! SPELL IT RIGHT…teckneek what Waldo knows and which drives everybody crazy when they see it and everyone wants Waldo's autograft, and then the ballet really prospers. And when Waldo goes 'on point' on the tail, boy that makes news even in Moss Cow and in them other sophisticated cultural centers like Yermo and West Bends. Of course Waldo can dance while playing the violin and the horn, and that makes him real unpopular among the blind beggars because all the money goes to WALDO. You should see him with horn in two claws and a violin in the other two, going on point and twirling like anything and singing.

Eventually Waldo went into another line of work on account of dancing was tiring him. Of course it broke Nureyev's heart to see Waldo leave the stage, having danced "The Fireturtle", but Waldo promised to return and entertain with some really big leaps and give a Seminole to all them blind beggars so they could get more money, and then Nureyev's heart wasn't broke quite so bad and he promised not to commit suicide without consulting Waldo first.

Well, the next line of work that Waldo went into was aggravated assault.

(EDITOR: hang on a minute, Waldo. You can get arrested for that.

W.	Well, Leroy, any line of work has got it disadvantages.)

Well, Waldo got bored with doing it after awhile, on account of spending so much time in jail, so he became an inventor and a jacket of all trades. First he started an unemployment agency, which is a thing Waldo invented where the people pay you to help keep them on unemployment checks, and he could perfect his inventions on the side.

One of the first of the real biggie inventions was the gasoline powered fork, which is used in them remote wilderness areas where they don't have electricity or very much steam. Then he made the inflatable rubber automobile, what is real good because you can let all the air out and carry it through traffic jams and jellies. Then he made a snowsled with a reverse gear so that you can just slide uphill to beat anything. You shoulda seen the mail they sent Waldo after he sold some of the combination thermometer hunting knives: some of them people didn't read the directions too good when they was sick. Then there was the grow your own octapus kit, but that didn't do so good after awhile because some of them narrow minded parents didn't like 'em in the bathtub or the living room, so then I put out the grow your own piranha kit and saved the day for the kids. Waldo always goes out of his way to help a child in need.

(EDITOR: This is all very interesting, but I'm not sure that there's actually a story here anymore.

W. Oh, oh. For oncet you're right Leroy. I forgot about the story part. I gotta get a story going or I never will get any money. Do they really pay people for stories, Leroy?

ED: I've heard of it happening, but then again it may just be another myth. Anyway, maybe you could single out one aspect of your multifaceted life to tie a few things together.

W.	O.K. But I didn't have no facetious career, I don't care what you say.)

Well, after the make your own coal mine kit didn't pan out Waldo thought he'd better get into a more steady line of work for awhile. So he went back to being a combination famous surgeon and gifted rustic. You shoulda heard it after Waldo had removed a guy's bladder and the patient said, "Well, you've got gall", and then I said, "Well I'll be stoned". (The joke was on the patient because I was already stoned! Some of them patients died laughing.) They even put me on TV on a show called "Operating Theatre", and I did a lot of grand openings. They called me the Sauntering Surgeon, and I injected a lot of humor into the show while I was injecting them patients. I used to give 'em colored enemas for the cable crowd, and you can guess what I used to show 'em on the Home Box Office. That reminds me of when I was the boxboy for gynecological supplies dealer, and he used to have me

(ED: Now come on, Waldo, Stick to the story.)

O.K., folks. I get the hint. Like I was saying, I'm a really big entertainer so I would play the piano with one hand and take out and show off a ruptured appendix with the other. And I used to donate a lot of my medical time to public service, like the time I made a film of all of our fighting boys on their fronts called "The G.I. Series", and that was a two reeler, upper and lower. Then I did some advertising for some extra rubles, like the time I did the training film for the guys who are going to learn to make some EX-LAX candy called, "Their Bowels Mean Business". Of course I donate a lot of time to research to perfect some operations that none of them other guys has ever even tried before. I figured out a way to suck out ingrown warts, for instance, and a way so that guys with hangnails can keep pictures on the walls. I cured the guy that had St. Vitus Dance and rheumatism and the guy that had seasickness and lockjaw. Of course when I'm a plastic surgeon I make a lot of money in graft.

W.	I didn't have to earn a living, remember? I told you I was gifted, so I always had presents.)

As I was saying, before bein' asked one of them subflous questions, I gave my mind to humanity and my body to science. Of course I always do my duty when duty calls. (Duty is my turtle girlfriend.) Another really exciting thing is about to happen now, so get ready for the big topper, the sinner qua none, the tip of the iceberg, the eye of the newt.

(EDITOR: We're running out of time, Waldo. The wicked Witch of the Bed will get us if we don't knock off this story pretty soon.)

O.K. Well, the stunning day came when Waldo proved he could really do something no other surgeon, even the best of them kidney crunchers or pancreas pullers, could even think of doing. That was the day the man showed up in the hospital with something stuck right there in his chest and he didn't know where it was, and the other doctors couldn't figure it out where it was either and them X-rays didn't do no good cause the guy had eaten some radium accidently so it spoiled the X-Rays so the doctors couldn't see what was wrong with the man. Well that did it! It was time for the fresh approach, so they called in heartfelt Waldo, which he was called on account of he did so much heart massage and artificial regurgitation. And sure enough. Only Waldo could save the day. So the intrepid lord of the knife climbed right into the man, through an incision in one of his wounds, and got hold of the thing and pulled it out. It turned out to be a stocking from a woman he'd mislaid, and boy had he paid for his mistake. After we sewed him back up so that he'd stop bleeding after awhile, we told him he didn't owe us nothing because we would use him on our next TV show where we'd turn off the lights and people could watch him glow in the dark.

Next week I'll tell you how, for a big discount, you can send for my family surgery coupon and you can have two operations for the price of one, or, for the adventuresome men, you can have a trial period and next month if it doesn't happen you can be called the 'late John Smith".

Now you may think that ended the story. Boy did I fool you. There's gotta be more because we didn't even get into the chapel painting stuff yet. And that part is so exciting that everybody, even Grandmother Frog, just shudders and trembles to even think about it.

On account of the giant nudes Waldo painted, starting at the bottom like I told ya, which is one of the best parts because it reminds me about a program what Leroy likes to see. He watches this big senorita doin' a lot of dancing and terrible singing, but boy does she have a big bottom! She looks like two turtles what have lost their shells from behind, so I like to watch it too.

O.K., Leroy, Yeah, I know. Get on with the story.

So everybody was letting on how much of a great artist was Waldo, in the kitchen, as a rescuer and when he was just arting around. Them big church Honchos heard about it too, and they got to thinking, "My, look at this old chapel. No nudes in here for to keep the public interested. We gotta get Waldo to come in and spruce it up and get some action going on the ceiling or that conflagration may stop coming and we won't get no more offering money." So Waldo, who has got the biggest heart and always answers whenever Duty calls…she's a turtle who lives next door…well, he came and got to work fixing up that old cistern Chapel cause that old Michael Angelo had messed it up. For one thing they had a guy on the ceiling pictures whose pecker wasn't near big enough to start with.

(EDITOR: Waldo, cut out that line of thought right now.)

O.K., O.K. Maybe it didn't matter anyway. He was supposed to found the race and I coulda told him where they was runnin'. But if he was gonna get anywhere with that chick on one of the other walls, well, "tough luck, guy." To tell the truth he didn't look like he was playin' with a full deck in his head either.

So Waldo just erased all that old stuff and made a big picture of the ancestral tortoise, the one that started it all, and showed the sunny swamplands out a what he came. Then he fixed up the walls and showed what begetting is really all about. Then he got Corky to pose for them little, what do they call 'em? They're like gargle oils, or something like that. They look real good up there, anyway.

Boy was them church Honchos happy. Only one thing they didn't like was there wasn't enough human beans, but Waldo said, "You can see human beans ever day, but how many times can you see a flying turtle in church?" They got the point then, finally, and it really worked. They did a bang up business every Sunday and even them people from the Moron church came, and they even drank coffee when they thought nobody was looking.

Now the artist what can make it happen in an old church someplace can really do a good job on you.

(EDITOR: Can do a big number, you mean.

Eat a big one, Leroy!

EDITOR: That's it. End of story.)

Note: there are too many Waldo stories to count. Watch for further adventures.